You can't make everyone happy

The people-pleasing trap

New managers want to be liked. This is human and understandable. On the other hand it is the fastest way to become an ineffective leader.

Why it happens

If it’s your first time as a manager you don’t want to be seen as the “guy who changed”, but as the reasonable, fair, and approachable guy from before.

There is nothing inherently wrong about that. At the same time as a manager your job now includes making decisions that not everyone on the team will like nor appreciate.

Sooner or later that will lead into a conflict. And this will feel uncomfortable - especially the first couple of times. But the difference between a good and a great manager is the ability to navigate conflict constructively without avoiding it.

What it costs you

If you always go the easy path of the “buddy manager” and avoid every confrontation and conflict, this leads to a form of communication debt:

• Problems don’t get addressed
• Decisions don’t happen, get delayed or get softened
• Hard truths get avoided

This compounds and leads to a mountain of problems you push in front of yourself that gets heavier and heavier. Your team’s trust in you will erode - not because you were harsh, but because they lack clarity, rules, and decisions.

The reframe

Your job is not to make everyone happy. Your job is to deliver results, create clarity, make good decisions and communicate them with respect.

And that means you will have to make decisions that aren’t in everyone’s favor.

What you can control

Give your team the truth and be honest, even if it’s uncomfortable and feels bad.

Explain your reasons (or the company’s reason for the decision):

• Why that decision was taken
• Why that rule exists
• Why that behavior is not acceptable
• …

Especially in the beginning, seek help from your manager, or your peers to prepare this discussion.

While you are speaking the hard truth here, still be respectful. Only because a decision is hard, doesn’t mean you have to be. Always keep in mind how you would feel being told this decision. Managing your own reaction before the conversation is itself a leadership act — this is what self-regulation looks like in practice.

What you cannot control

Even if you are the best and charming communicator and have considered every edge case, I need to rob you of the illusion that you can control how your team or individuals will take the decision.

And it’s hard to predict how a team will take a decision. A big decision can be met with silent approval, where a small decision can lead to outrage.

The emotions of other people are outside of your control. While you can try to understand or influence them, it’s sometimes the best to let the decision sink in, and get back to people after a couple of hours or on the next day when they’ve calmed down.

I’ll repeat it, because it’s important: You can’t control other people’s reaction, you can only control how you respond.

The distinction that matters

There is a difference between being liked and being trusted. Trust is built through consistency and honesty. Likeability is built by telling people what they want to hear. You can have both — but not by avoiding hard conversations.

We’ll cover the topic of trust in Trust — the foundation of everything.

Questions to reflect on

• What decision are you avoiding right now because you don’t want to upset someone?
• Who on your team is not hearing honest feedback from you?